Pour one out for the Cincinnati Bengals, who got the devastating news yesterday that Joe Burrow will be undergoing surgery to repair torn ligaments in his big toe. He'll be out three months. It's a tremendous blow to the Better Business Burrow, who are likely undergoing a hasty re-brand as we speak. On the bright side though, Burrow is a near-lock to win his third Comeback Player of the Year award in 2026!
Apologies for the tangent, but if you're Joe Burrow, do you even want another Comeback Player of the Year award? Isn't it almost insulting as this point? Currently, he and Chad Pennington are the only players to win the award more than once, and while Pennington was a nice player in his heyday, for Burrow, being mentioned in the same breath Pennington has to be extremely discouraging.
That's neither here nor there. We're not here to discuss the Bengals' future – we're here to discuss fantasy football. This is the world of the Seanquiftadors and Uncle Waldo, not the Bears, Broncos or Buccaneers.
The term "next man up" is basically gospel when it comes to the NFL, but it's equally true in fantasy. Nobody feels sorry for the Better Business Burrow (least of all not me, who lost Austin Ekeler and Aaron Jones for the foreseeable future this weekend). It's time for C.J. Stroud to step up – and if that's doesn't work out, you could always turn to Tua! Even better, Jake Browning is available, and I'm going to say there's at least a .09% chance he's as good as Burrow anyway.
Still though, football (fantasy or otherwise) isn't as fun without Joe Burrow, and I can guarantee you this season won't be as fun for the Better Business Burrow. Oh well, on to the Week Two's results...
The Better Business Burrow (101.5) defeats Bo Mamba (95.5)
Well, at least they went out with a bang! A 7.0-pointer from "Brittle" Joe Burrow couldn't stop the BBB from blazing past Bo. Of course, it helps when Amon-Ra St. Brown catches 300 touchdown passes against the dumbass Bears. And it definitely doesn't hurt that Kyren Williams might be losing his job to Blake Corum, upending Mamba's best-laid plans. Enjoy this one, BBB – the next one might prove elusive.
Seanquiftadors (82.5) defeats Chuba The Hut (81.5)
This is the equivalent to a 10 - 9 win in the NFL. It all came down to Las Vegas vs. Los Angeles on Monday Night, and the Seanquiftadors pulled out the razor-thin win thanks to old man Keenan Allen. Of course, Chuba probably isn't too pleased with my advice to play "Bill" Croskey-Merritt over Rhamondre Stevenson. Honestly, Chuba could have played just about anyone else on his bench and come away with the victory. 16.5 points from Juwan Jennings? 14.0 from Bhayshul Tuten? 14.5 from Quentin Johnston? Chuba has the deepest bench in the league...and absolutely nothing to show for it.
C D Lamborgini (107.5) defeats Team Larison (106.5)
This is the equivalent of a 24 - 23 win in the NFL, and this one also came down to Monday Night. Those 2.5 points from Omarion Hampton don't look like much, but to the Lambos, it means everything. Also, it just occurred to me, but Lamborgini is spelled wrong in C D Lamborgini. It should be spelled "Lamborghini." He's missing the H. Feel free to tell him, but I get the feeling it's not going to be fixed and I'm going to be bothered by it for the next fifteen weeks. Just a hunch.
Spiders Under My Bed (106.0) defeats All Dat Ashton In Dem Jeantys (81.5)
Just so everyone knows, I did try to tell the Spiders that his kicker is not actually playing football at the moment, but apparently he has a serious attachment to Jason Sanders, and he's just not willing to part ways with him. I respect that kind of integrity. I hope he maintains that integrity at least until Week Four. On the other hand, not a great look for the Jeantys. Perhaps the real Ashton Jeanty has too much Ashton in his Jeantys and it's slowing him down, because he's done basically jack-shit so far.
Won't You Be My Naber? (109.0) defeats Team Kaz (98.0)
Who needs running backs anyway? That's the question My Naber is asking, as he grabs his second victory of the season despite a grand total of 5.0 points from Derrick Henry and Breece Hall combined. I guess when you have Malik Nabers, you can play whoever you damn well please. Meanwhile, Team Kaz got an epic performance by his kicker Brandon Aubrey, who I'm convinced is simply not human. Those 23.0 points went a long way – and Justin Fields' 3.0 points went in entirely the opposite direction.
Uncle Waldo (121.0) defeats Stop Trying to Make Bech Happen (99.0)
Uncle Waldo was cooking this week. Now, if only the Eagles would throw A.J. Brown the ball...then imagine how incredible his team would be! Jalen Hurts' inability to pass aside, Waldo paced the league this week, taking home the top-scorer title for Week Two by an impressive 12.0-point margin. Sadly, this might be the week Bech officially does not happen, because he is on the chopping block. For the record, I will not be changing my team name though. It's simply too good. And the picture is too good. I'm keeping it. Try and stop me.
And those are the results for Week Two! Good luck next week, everyone, and try to stay healthy – only joking BBB, please don't give my website an F.