We're four weeks into the NFL season now, and so that means we know some things are probably true. We know that the Bills and Eagles are probably good. We know the Titans and Jets are probably bad. We know that, no matter what, the Chiefs are playing in the AFC Championship Game.
In the fantasy league, it's not quite so simple. Sure, Won't You Be My Naber? is 4 - 0, but losing Malik Nabers to a season-ending ACL tear is the fantasy-equivalent of witnessing Mr. Rogers commit a murder-suicide. Unsettling stuff.
Needless to say, that does not bode well for My Naber's chances down the stretch. Likewise, losing Lamar Jackson for multiple weeks is going to be a major problem for Stop Trying to Make Bech Happen. The Seanquiftadors suffered their first loss of the season too. It's looking awfully flimsy at the top.
But I think we can all agree that Team Larison is in rough shape. So we know one thing at least.
Let's get into the results...
Not So Better Business Burrow (125.0) defeats CD brkn Lambstring (94.0)
David Montgomery, where did you go? Lambstring needs you, especially because it doesn't look like Brian Thomas Jr. is going to show up this year.
And what did I tell you all about the NSBBB? They're about to go on an unholy run. Losing Burrow was a blessing, not a curse. Daniel Dimes is the truth. And so is Josh Jacobs. And Amon-Ra St. Brown. And Quinshon Judkins and Emeka Egbuka if we're being honest. Just wait 'til Isiah Pacheco gets going. His team is stacked.
All Dat Ashton In Dem Jeantys (125.0) defeats Chuba The Hut (91.5)
Ashton Jeanty, welcome to the NFL! It had been a quiet start for the Raiders rookie, and the Jeantys were correspondingly weighed down by his lackluster production. Well, 31-points makes up for it.
Chuba, meanwhile, keeps alternating between Rhamondre Stevenson and Jacory Croskey-Merritt, and never seems to pick the right one for the right week. The real problem was leaving D.K. Metcalf on the bench, though. Leaving Woody Marks on the bench was forgivable, because he was an unknown quantity, but this is likely the last time the Texans rookie seen Chuba's bench for quite some time.
Bo Mamba (126.5) defeats Uncle Waldo (79.0)
It should surprise no one that Bo Nix finally broke out for the Bo Mambas. He was playing the Bengals. The Bengals make mid QBs look like Dan Marino. If a QB is on the waiver-wire and is playing the Bengals, pick them up. Seriously, QBs playing the Bengals average 17.0-points per game. That's basically Dak Prescott every week.
The Mambas are the weekly high-scorer for the second time this year, but he hardly needed it, because Uncle Waldo basically mailed this one in. James Cook keeps showing up, but life is about to get really hard for Justin Herbert now that both of his starting tackles are down. Ja'Marr Chase is ready to go on vacation. A.J. Brown is still on his Super-Bowl vacation. The A.J. Brown-for-Romeo-Doubs-benching that no one saw coming is about to happen, folks.
Won't You Be My Naber? (110.5) defeats Seanquiftadors (101.0)
Losing Malik Nabers is a setback, but My Naber still has some pieces. Jaxon Smith-Njigba has become Cris Carter, and Travis Etienne looks completely over his 2024 struggles in Liam Cohen's offense. Derrick Henry playing next to Cooper Rush, however, sounds about as appealing as getting blown by a garbage disposal.
Justice Hill could have been the difference for the Seanquiftadors, but the guy had been irrelevant for three weeks. That said, Chase Brown has been irrelevant all season. Having to start Keenan Allen also feels pretty bad. But Jalen Hurts and Jonathan Taylor will continue to be a potent combo, and if Courtland Sutton keeps popping off like this, the Seanquiftadors might have enough to make up for some glaring weaknesses.
Team Kaz (105.0) defeats Team Larison (105.0)
Well, someone had to finally get a win. Team Larison blew his first good Patrick Mahomes game because the Ravens D is hot garbage. They've been in the negatives every game this year outside of Week Two against Cleveland. At least Saquon Barkley keeps scoring touchdowns.
Team Kaz was also burned by their defense, but solid performances from Drake London, R.J. Harvey and Jahmyr Gibs combined with a monster game from Justin Fields was enough to overcome the Packers D/ST. Ladd McConkey is still a drain on the roster, so it might be time to turn to Tetairoa McMillan. And don't look now, but Kyle Pitts is the 8th-ranked TE in fantasy...
Stop Trying to Make Bech Happen (102.0) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (92.0)
The second Brother Bowl of 2025 goes to Bech, but realistically, the Spiders could have won this game easily. Many kickers on the waiver-wire are capable of 10+ point games. Cairo Santos, Brandon McManus, Nick Folk and Joshua Karty all scored better than 11 in Week Four and all were on the waiver-wire and all remain on the waiver-wire. In other words, each of those kickers are currently available as we speak. Will the Spiders take the hint? I have my doubts.
So, while Bech managed to make it to 3 - 1 on this year, this feels like a slightly fraudulent record. Right now, they're turning to Tua Tagovailoa while Lamar Jackson recovers from a hamstring injury, which is like downgrading from a Ferrari to a Pontiac Aztek. Puka is definitely doing more than his fair share, but you know who's this team's real MVP? Dallas Goedert, who's averaged 11.3 points per game and is tied with Kyle Pitts as the 8th-ranked TE in fantasy despite missing Week Three.