What's with the NFL's War on Bill Gates?


Photo Credit: Takeaway, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons


We all get mad sometimes. I was just mad 45 minutes ago when dummies couldn’t figure out how to merge on the highway when I was on my way home from work. Okay, maybe I’m still a little peeved about it, but did I pull off to the side of the road and smash my car to pieces? No sir. Did I chuck my cellphone into the Ohio River? Nope. Did I get home, walk into my living room, and immediately put my foot through my TV. Again, no.


Sometimes when rage builds up - like when we’re waiting in line at the grocery store behind the old lady who insists on finding that one, elusive coupon in her purse or when the internet feels like it’s personally out to ruin your afternoon - we can all get a little…feisty. It happens. Like what happened to the Buffalo Bills offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey. At the end of the game, with the Bills in position to attempt a game-winning field goal, Bills wide receiver Isaiah McKenzie failed to get out of bounds, allowing time to expire. The Bills lost a heartbreaker, and as for Dorsey, well…


Dorsey lost it. In the now-viral video, Dorsey can be seen throwing his hands up into the air, launching papers and folders up into the air, and, most critically, slamming a Microsoft Surface tablet onto his desk like it was hot garbage. It was…not his best look. Dorsey did apologize for the outburst, but the video already made its rounds across the internet. The damage, as they say, has been done.


This comes a week after the entire NFL was reprimanded for their treatment of these electrical devices stemming from Tom Brady of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers breaking two tablets in the Bucs game versus the New Orleans Saints. Apparently, the entire NFL has a vendetta against Bill Gates. Unfortunately for Dorsey, he appears to have missed the memo.


But was an apology from Dorsey really necessary? Was it all really so outrageous or excessive? Aren’t we just glad that he cares? Wouldn’t we rather all have a coach who gives a damn versus a take-it-or-leave it kinda guy?


Well, sure, but can’t we have our cake and eat it, too? At least, in this case? Is it really too much to ask a coach being paid millions to not destroy a $500 piece of galvanic wizardry during a hissy fit?


Of course not. For a million dollars, I’d tuck that tablet in bed each night, save up for its college tuition and sit through all 500,000,000 after school activities it will have for the next eighteen years. Alright, so maybe Dorsey’s job description calls for a little more than just sitting in a booth and not destroying a half-top (a half-laptop, I’m coining this term). Maybe it requires a significant amount of preparation, focus, and creativity. Fine. Can we still do without that wanton destruction?


Now, let’s be honest here: it might not have been the best look, but this doesn’t necessarily reflect on Dorsey’s skill as a coach. He might look foolish, temperamental, childish, petulant, entitled, wasteful, and possibly a little unhinged, but that doesn’t mean he can’t run an effective NFL offense. Heck, maybe his volatile disposition even works to his benefit on occasion.


That’s why it’s so important that we save these coaches and players from themselves. It’s our responsibility as fans to provide our favorite teams with the means to avoid embarrassing themselves. It may cost upwards of $100 for a decent seat at any NFL game these days, but darn it, we just aren’t paying enough - we need to find different ways to contribute. Plus, Microsoft will probably appreciate it.


In order to save our players and coaches (and tablets), I’ve provided a list of some alternative items that could be provided for our favorite teams so that we don’t have a repeat of the Dorsey-meltdown:


  • A Birthday Cake

Not for eating, this cake is for punching. A birthday cake usually goes around $50, that’s a 90% savings compared to a tablet!


  • Bubble Wrap

An all-time classic. Just try to resist popping it too early.


  • An Xbox or PlayStation controller

This is an old-timey solution for those that still crave the visceral feeling of renting open an electrical device by force. Many will have experience blasting the joysticks into oblivion as angsty teenagers.


  • A Pre-Built Lego Structure

There’s a lot of potential here. With Legos, you could theoretically destroy anything you want. Anything you want to replicate? Maybe a tablet…


  • Watermelons

Okay, okay, this is basically just a rip-off of Gallagher. Still works.


  • A Piñata

Again, extremely customizable, and there’s candy at the end, so everybody wins!

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