Welcome to the Besties!
What do we look for in a best friend? Do we want someone who will support us in times of crisis? Or would we rather have someone who brings the party with them? Fortunately, thanks to television, we don’t have to settle. We can have them all.
There are literally thousands of TV friendships out there, but which is best? Or, rather, which TV friendship is right for YOU? With so many options, how does one choose?
Let’s say you’re struggling to find a date. Do you turn to Jerry Seinfeld? What about Steven Hyde from That ‘70s Show? Do you even consider Sheldon Cooper of Big Bang Theory?
The point is, there are so many TV friendships to consider, we’d be here all day trying to sort through them all. So, instead, here are some awards that I’m handing out to cement and celebrate the unique (and sometimes wacko) personalities that grace our flat screens. Please enjoy the Besties, the newest award show you didn't ask for:
Most Likely to Collaborate with You on a Hair-Brained Scheme that Will Almost Certainly Backfire, but on the Surface Will Appear to Seem Diabolically Genius
Winner: George Costanza (Seinfeld)
Congratulations George! You finally finished first in something that didn’t involve cheating, lying, or deception…well, it kinda does involve those things, but still counts! Mr. and Mrs. Frank and Estelle Costanza, you must be so proud - okay, okay, please stop shouting!
Never has any TV character been so adept at finding unusual solutions to not-really-problems. He’s like Robert Frost if the “road not taken” was one that led to self-service, personal gratification, and general selfishness. It’s hard out there for a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man - let’s cut him some slack. You did it, George, now go celebrate like only you can: by undoubtedly showing off to the wrong person and having your brand-new trophy stuck where the sun doesn't shine.
Most Likely to Take You on a Magical, Surreal, Mind-Bending, Supremely Gratifying Imaginary Adventure
Winner: Abed Nadir (Community)
Our next award goes to Abed Nadir. As Pierce Hawthorn once said, “Yes, Abed, you need to be someone else. Someone who eventually gets a girlfriend, because I can’t think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab virgin in his 30s. One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion.” Fortunately, you didn’t listen to Pierce - not just because he was crazy, but because you were never limited by your physical self. You transcended.
Whether it was pretending to be a not-weird version of yourself as an homage to the movie My Dinner with Andre, playing as Inspector Spacetime with your sidekick Troy Barnes playing Constable Reggie in the “Dreamatorium,” or starting an all-out war against Blanketsburg, you were Community’s heart and soul. You eclipsed reality. You allowed us to be heroes. You never gave us what we thought we wanted; you always gave us exactly what we needed. Congratulations, Abed! This must be the best timeline.
Most Likely to Give You a Wonderful Compliment that Almost Seems Insulting at First
Winner: Leslie Knope (Parks & Recreation)
Congratulations Leslie! You won this category by a landslide! Nobody has more insane compliments like you. Here’s a taste of your unique brand of kindness:
“You opalescent tree shark.”
“You rainbow-infused space unicorn.”
“You poetic, noble land-mermaid.”
“You are a man-genius with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy elf-king.”
“You beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby.”
“You are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful muskox.”
“You cunning, pliable, chestnut-haired sunfish.”
My head is spinning, but, somehow, I feel at ease. It’s like I’m falling into a lava-filled pit, but I know your words will magically sprout wings and I’ll be caught inches before landing in the molten lake. You are a treasure, Leslie Knope - now go get yourself some waffles!
Most Likely to Talk to You with Unrelenting Sarcasm, Half-Truths and Scorn, and Yet Always Be in Your Corner When It Counts
Winner: Stevie Budd (Schitt’s Creek)
The winner of our next category is Stevie Budd of Schitt’s Creek! Has anyone seen Stevie around? Anyone? Oh, there she is, trying to cover herself with the table linen! We see you, Stevie - oh, there she goes giving me the finger. Isn’t she something, let’s give her a hand!
Stevie, you are the only person I know who would take the word “rude” as a compliment. But you also are willing to listen and give advice on a whole range of subjects. You’ve been a friend, a friend-with-benefits, and part of a thrupple (a couple plus one more, for you oldies). It takes some time and some persistence, but eventually, you make me glad to know you.
Most Likely to Defend You from Threats of Physical Violence but By Golly, He Wants That Bloody Castle He Was Promised
Winner: Bronn (Game of Thrones)
The ultimate bodyguard. A man who’s equally adept at fending off multiple armed adversaries and slugging back a few brewskis. Bronn is the perfect travel companion in a middle-age-esque environment - that is, as long as he’s paid.
Find yourself in the middle of a trial by combat? Just get Bronn to do it! Need someone to do a bit of tracking? Just get Bronn to do it! Need someone to be your Master of Coin even though he has absolutely no experience whatsoever? Just get Bronn to do it. He’s a jack-of-all-trades, master of a few, and absolute monarch of getting paid.
Most Likely to Plan an Amazing Party with All the Debauchery and Excessive Drug and Alcohol Abuse You Can Imagine, but Will Inevitably End Up with Everyone in Jail
Winner: Ricky LaFleur (Trailer Park Boys)
Ricky, you’ve given us so much. Your Ricky-isms are legendary. You taught us that we shouldn’t “judge a cover of a book by its look.” When something unfortunate happens, we move on, because it’s all “water under the fridge.” When we’re about to give up because something seems too daunting, you remind us that “it doesn’t take rocket appliances.” You taught us to always look on the bright side, because “one man's garbage is another man person's good un-garbage.”
Ricky, without you, we’d never know the true meaning of getting effed-up. We’d never know the joys of sleeping in a rusted-out, doorless, oil-leaking ‘75 Chrysler New Yorker. We’d know nothing of how to grow weed plants, turn hash into a driveway, or create a hockey rink out of a double-wide trailer. You might not have the strongest grasp of the English language, and you might be borderline illiterate, but your genius isn’t lost on us.