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Summarizing the NFL Offseason for Every Team in Two Sentences or Less

Updated: Mar 19

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

Some familiar faces are gone (safety Jordan Poyer, cornerback Tre'Davious White, center Mitch Morse, wide receiver Gabe Davis), but the most important pieces (Josh Allen, Stefon Diggs) remain.  Sean McDermott might not be the coach to take the Bills over the top, but hell will freeze over before he puts a sorry defense on the field.

Miami Dolphins

Just based on volume alone, no team saw a bigger talent drain than the Dolphins.  Adding linebacker Jordyn Brooks and safety Brandon Jones to the defense will soften the blow, but replacing a top-end defensive tackle like Christian Wilkins will not be easy.

New England Patriots

They mostly brought back their own players.  What the Patriots are planning to do with the third pick continues to be a mystery…

New York Jets

Outside linebacker Bryce Huff jetted to Philadelphia after putting up per-snap pass rush numbers that would make Lawrence Taylor blush.  Outside of adding left tackle Tyron Smith, they didn’t make any notable moves because none of this matters anyway if Aaron Rodgers can’t play at an MVP-level.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

Derrick Henry arrives to beef up the Ravens ground game and to bring the thunder to Lamar Jackson’s lightning, while the defense takes a hit with the losses of linebacker Patrick Queen and safety Geno Stone.  Those losses can be replaced; replacing defensive coordinator Mike Macdonald will be a much bigger challenge.

Cincinnati Bengals

No one should be freaking out about Tee Higgins wanting a trade, but losing right tackle Jonah Williams deserves a little more scrutiny.  Defensive coordinator Lou Anarumo is a defensive back enthusiast at heart, and their new safety additions (Stone and Von Bell) have turned a team weakness into a strength.

Cleveland Browns

The Browns are doing their best to stay elite on defense by adding Jordan Hicks at linebacker, and re-signing defensive end Za’Darius Smith and defensive tackle Shelby Harris.  That’s because counting on Deshaun Watson to get his shit together feels like a sick joke at this point.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Out go Kenny Pickett, Mason Rudolph, and Mitchell Trubisky, and in come Russell Wilson and Justin Fields!  Let the most fascinating quarterback-competition of the decade begin…

AFC South

Houston Texans

Effectively swapped Jonathan Greenard for Danielle Hunter at defensive end.  Denico Autry and Azeez Al-Shaair further reinforce DeMeco Ryans’ defense at defensive end and linebacker, respectively, so you can bet your bottom dollar the Texans will be looking to the draft for help at receiver.

Indianapolis Colts

Veteran quarterback Joe Flacco arrives, which is cool in theory, but Colts fans should be begging the football gods that he never sees the field.  Anthony Richardson is the future, but the number of injuries he sustained in his first season would scare anyone.

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars were smart to let Calvin Ridley walk as the 29-year-old receiver was vastly overpaid by the Titans.  Free agent acquisition Gabe Davis should be a decent deep threat for Trevor Lawrence, but expect the Jags to look to a receiver-heavy draft for reinforcements too.

Tennessee Titans

No team went all-in on free agency like the Titans. Ridley gives them an overpaid, but borderline number-one receiver; Lloyd Cushenberry is an upgrade at guard; Chidobe Awuzie helps at corner; and running back Tony Pollard brings some explosiveness on the ground to help jump-start the rebuild under new head coach Brian Callahan.

AFC West

Denver Broncos

Head coach Sean Payton punted Wilson as far from Denver as possible and replacing him at quarterback will be…somebody.

Kansas City Chiefs

Former Cardinals receiver Hollywood Brown gets the red-carpet treatment in Kansas City.  Losing backup offensive lineman Nick Allegretti hurts the Chiefs depth, but we should all know by now that this team absorbs losses like no other.

Las Vegas Raiders

There’s still no answer at quarterback (although the concept of Gardner Minshew in Las Vegas itself is perfection), but head coach Antonio Pierce is beaming after signing powerful defensive tackle Christian Wilkins to play alongside star defensive end Maxx Crosby.  The NFL’s most aggressive defensive line has just been born.

Los Angeles Chargers

They’re in cap hell, so trading wide receiver Keenan Allen away to the Bears and restructuring the deals of defensive ends Joey Bosa and Khalil Mack almost feels like a formality.  New head coach Jim Harbaugh wants tough nosed, dependable players on this roster, and free-agent signings of running back Gus Edwards and tight end Will Dissley fit the bill.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys

It’s all quiet in Dallas as they prepare to give massive extensions to Dak Prescott, CeeDee Lamb, and Micah Parsons.  But we all know Jerry Jones can’t stay quiet forever…can he?

New York Giants

Losing Saquon Barkley and Xavier McKinney hurts (kinda), but this team has way bigger needs than running back and safety, and trading for former Carolina Panthers defensive end Brian Burns gives the Giants an outstanding defensive line on paper.  Jermaine Eluemunor will hopefully stabilize their situation at tackle, but none of this really matters because they’re still awful at quarterback.

Philadelphia Eagles

The best pass rusher no one’s ever heard of (Huff) is now in Philly, as well as the league’s best running back who’s never healthy (Barkley), and they both got big deals.  Does anyone else smell desperation?

Washington Commanders

Defensive end Dorance Armstrong is a fun signing and deserves this chance to start, while Bobby Wagner and Frankie Luvu will help at linebacker for new head coach Dan Quinn’s defense.  Sam Howell was traded to the Seahawks too, making it a foregone conclusion that the Commanders are targeting a quarterback with the second pick.

NFC North

Chicago Bears

Fields was finally, mercifully traded to Pittsburgh, clearing the path for the Bears to take former USC quarterback Caleb Williams with the top pick and ending the NFL’s silliest controversy.  Adding Allen and running back D’Andre Swift will make Williams’ life a little easier.

Detroit Lions

The Lions did their best to surround budding-superstar defensive end Aiden Hutchinson with talent.  Nose tackle D.J. Reader can still move mountains when he’s healthy, and pass rusher Marcus Davenport still gets to the quarterback with frequency.

Green Bay Packers

The Packers made Xavier McKinney one of the highest-paid safeties in the league and…that’s about it.  Now, it’s all about whether Jordan Love can live up to the massive hype-machine that’s powering up in Green Bay.

Minnesota Vikings

Kirk Cousins is gone after accepting a gigantic deal from the Falcons, and free-agent signee Sam Darnold taking over at quarterback is a petrifying proposition.  Count the Vikings amongst the teams that could eye a trade-up in the draft for a new signal-caller.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons

Speaking of Cousins, the Falcons are going all in on a 36-year-old, twelve-year NFL vet coming off a season-ending Achilles injury at quarterback and absolutely nothing could go wrong…

Carolina Panthers

Trading Brian Burns to the Giants for cents on the dollar stings in the moment, but this team needs a lot of help, and Burns wasn’t changing their fortunes anyway.  Second-year quarterback Bryce Young needs all the help he can get on offense if he’s going to succeed, and while guards Robert Hunt and Damien Lewis probably were slight overpays, keeping pressure out of the face of the slight-statured Young will do wonders for the former top pick.

New Orleans Saints

I’m not exactly one to freak out on a team for doing nothing in free agency, but what the hell is the plan exactly, Saints?  They’re stuck in limbo with a middling roster, a middling quarterback and a middling coach.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Baker Mayfield is back after impressing in his 2023 tryout for the Buccaneers and helping the team to an NFC South crown.  He’s no Tom Brady, but his feistiness and tenacity make him a worthy successor.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals

Second-year head coach Jonathan Gannon gets plenty of new toys for his defense in nose tackle Justin Jones, cornerback Sean Bunting, linebacker Mack Wilson and defensive end Bilal Nichols.  Don’t be surprised if the Cardinals look to package quarterback Kyler Murray for a chance to move up in the draft to select a new passer.

Los Angeles Rams

It cannot be overstated how big of a loss Aaron Donald’s retirement is.  This dude was a force of nature and the foundation of everything the Rams did defensively.

San Francisco 49ers

Losing defensive tackle Arik Armstead would be a massive blow to most teams but the Niners churn out quality defensive linemen like nobody else.  Pass rushers Yetur Gross-Matos and Leonard Floyd are quality additions – they’ll get about ten to twelve combined sacks, the Niners will continue to abuse opposing quarterbacks, and we’ll all continue to debate how much credit Brock Purdy should get when the Niners inevitably reach the NFC Championship Game.

Seattle Seahawks

Like the Patriots, the Seahawks mostly tended to their own.  They traded for former Commanders quarterback Sam Howell to give Geno Smith some competition, but like so many other teams with average-or-worse QB-play, the Seahawks could be inclined to trade up to get their next franchise passer.

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