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Breaking: Kenny Pickett has Small Hands

Updated: Apr 10, 2022

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Quick, what’s the most important trait for an NFL quarterback? Arm strength? No way. Accuracy? You wish. Athleticism? Nah. Decision-making? Get outta here. Leadership? Forget it.

It’s hand size. Seriously. Hand size. Hand. Size.

Just ask NFL hopeful Kenny Pickett. The annual NFL Combine was held today, and the former Pittsburgh Panther QB’s hands measured a measly eight and a half inches. Pathetic.

No QB in the NFL has hands like Pickett’s baby hands. Hand size is not just the most important factor in determining success for NFL QB’s, it’s also the most important factor in success, period.

Every successful businessman or woman, every president or dictator of every country, every doctor, every lawyer, every post office worker, every Wendy’s manager, every guy taking tickets at the movie theater. You know what they all have in common? Enormous hands. Massive, monster hands. Even the women.

(Side-Note: I looked it up, and Google told me that the average hand size for men is 7.6 inches. Google must have small hands.)

(Side-Note to the Side-Note: I have big hands and I can't even afford to fix my car right now, so this entire theory might be bunk.)

So, if there was any doubt that Kenny Pickett would bust in the NFL, his combine performance today erased it. The NFL should just go ahead and refuse entry to anyone with little, weenie-hands.

Unfortunately, that would mean the end of Joe Burrow’s career as the starting QB for the Cincinnati Bengals. His hands measured just nine inches at his combine. Nine inches! What a joke. I’m sure the Bengals are scouting his replacement as we speak.

In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be having this conversation anyway. After Burow’s poor hand display back in 2020, he famously considered retirement. It’s too bad he didn’t go through with it, as now the Bengals are faced with the reality that they have to replace their offensive line and QB this offseason. Thanks a lot Joe’s hands!

While having big, meaty hands can make a difference in holding the NFL football in inclement weather or when an angry defensive lineman is trying to take your head off, the absolute, most important difference is the complete authority and respect those hands command. Hand Command. No NFL veteran would listen to a QB with tiny phalanges. No rookie would either.

Kenny Pickett is totally screwed. Despite all the hand stretches he attempted to get that one last, extra inch, in the end, his hands let him down. Now, he’s going to have to accept that his NFL career is over before it began. Maybe he can find a job as a ukulele player because a guitar would just be way too big for him.

It’s too late for Pickett, but it might not be too late for you. Whatever you do, whoever you are and wherever you live, please, please, please get your hands examined. If they don’t measure up, start looking into hand extensions. I’m sure those exist. After all, you know what they say about small hands.

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1 Comment

Colton Conover
Colton Conover
Mar 07, 2022

Yeah, biggest surprise is Joe Burrow's success, especially as he was "Considering retirement after I was informed the football will be slipping out of my tiny hands. Please keep me in your thoughts." How can a guy with tiny hands win a SB?

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