For those of you who missed it (what am I saying, it's preseason football, of course you missed it), a certain quarterback saw the field for the first time in a looong time. In fact, since his last start on January 3, 2020, it’s been 586 days since this player has seen NFL action.
Who is this mystery man? It is none other than new Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson, who played in three series against the Jaguars. And it didn’t go well. No sir-ee.
Watson finished the game going one for five on passes for just seven yards. He looked inaccurate. He looked indecisive. He looked, frankly, miserable. Maybe that was due to his poor play. Or maybe, it was because of the Jaguars’ fans, and their not-so-creative (or subtle) chant:
“You sick f - - k. You sick f - - k. You sick f - - k.”
Now, let me get something out of the way - I am not criticizing this chant. It might lack some originality, but hey, it’s a start.
But here’s the thing: it’s a little boring. It’s obvious. It’s…well, it’s not un-creative, but we can do better. Plus, think about the children!
Unfortunately for Watson (and the children), it’s hard to imagine these chants will stop anytime soon. If anything, they’ll probably get more elaborate and cleverer (hopefully). That’s why I’m here: to help expedite this process.
So again, I don’t mind the chant the Jags’ fans went with here. It’s simple, easily understood, and mean. Those are the three critical ingredients of any taunt. My hat is off to you, Jags fans. You set the bar high.
So, with that in mind, I’ve come up with a few alternative, kid-friendlier, chants that we as an NFL-fan community can use to poke at the Browns and their maligned QB.
The Basic Chant
These are variations of the original “You sick f - - k” chant. These follow the same premise: three words, three syllables, hit ‘em where it counts.
“No means no!” — I’m sure this one is already at the top of mind for most non-Browns fans. It’s low-hanging fruit, sure, but we have to start somewhere.
“Four and twelve!” — The last time we saw Deshaun Watson play an NFL game, he was losing to the Tennessee Titans. His Houston Texans team would finish the 2020 season 4 - 12. That’s…bad. Why were the Browns so desperate to get this guy again?
In-Sert Chant Here *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP-CLAP-CLAP*
You know this one…”O-ver - rat-ed” or “Let’s go, Ben-gals” followed by the familiar clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.
“Full-Size Tow-el” *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* — Poking fun at Watson’s apparent preference for a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy, little towel that he insisted on wearing while getting messages from non-licensed therapists.
“Hap-py Ba-by” *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* — Please, please, please, just go and look this up on Google Images. Yeah, that’s what Watson was doing during some of these massages. Hold on, I’m going to throw up real quick…okay, that’s better.
“Hap-py End-ing” *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* — Another of the low-hanging-fruit-variety. This is a lot harder to do than it looks!
“Where is Bak-er?” *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap — If you’re a Baker Mayfield fan (like me), then this is the chant for you. Poor guy should be in Cleveland right now, not that sick f–, wait…guy.
The “I Believe” Chant
Okay, so personally, I hate this chant. It takes wayyyyyy too long. I appreciate a chant with a good payoff, but this one needs a lot of buildup. Plus, you need, like, ten other committed individuals to get this chant off the ground. If you’re feeling confident in yourself and your friends, these chants are for you:
“I believe in the women!” — For those of you who need a refresher, this is how the chant goes: one guy (99 times out of 100 it’s a guy) starts screaming at the top of his lungs the words “I BELIEVE!” In unison, his fellow chanters reply with similar enthusiasm “I BELIEVE!” Our intrepid conductor then continues, screaming out, “I BELIEVE IN!” with significant emphasis on the word in, in case you didn’t realize they added a whole other word. The chanters then echo the instigators' words “I BELIEVE IN!” Finally, with all the force and power his lungs can muster, our contriver of chants unleashes the full and final version: “I BELIEVE IN THE WOMEN!” while the entire chorus begins to cry out the words in a frenzy.
I believe that you have sinned!” — This one is for the Catholics out there. I know there are a lot of you in Cincinnati, so I expect to hear this when the Browns come to town to play the Bengals.
Na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye
A classic. Typically, this one is saved until the home team has successfully secured the victory, giving the crowd full authority to launch into this venerable chant.
“Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey hey hey, twenty-five!” — A reference to the twenty-five different lawsuits Watson faced at one point during this NFL offseason. Admittedly, he has resolved twenty-three of these (plus one that withdrew her case), but I’m sure he could use the reminder.
"No-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, hey hey hey, said twenty-five!" — The Remix
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey hey hey, apologize!” — To his credit, Watson finally apologized to the women he’s “impacted in this situation.” Well done, Deshaun, well done. Do they hand out Nobel Peace Prizes for apologies? Because this one has to be in the running, no?
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey hey hey, no means no!" — We've come full-circle.