The theme of Week Three was blowouts. Seven NFL teams won by double-digits. The Vikings, Seahawks and Panthers all won by 30 or more. Meanwhile, the average margin of victory in the CincyItIsUs Fantasy League in Week Three was just shy of 25. The Seanquiftadors took center stage and won by 53. The Not So Better Business Burrow shook off an early-season catastrophe and won by 44. Everywhere you looked was mass slaughter.
It's often said that the first couple weeks of the NFL season are basically an extended preseason. The fantasy season is obviously much shorter, so we don't have that luxury. In a similar way, though, Week Three in the NFL and the Fantasy League could be instructive in telling us which teams are for real, and which are just plodding along until their untimely demise. The Bengals are kidding nobody after their debacle in Minnesota. Likewise, as much as I hate to say it, it's getting hard to buy into Team Larison making a mid-season turnaround.
Very few teams in the NFL get into the playoffs after starting 0 - 3. Only six have ever accomplished the feat. I don't have the numbers in front of me, but no team has ever recovered from an 0 - 3 hole in fantasy, and you'll never get me to believe otherwise.
So, sorry Team Larison, sorry Team Kaz. The season's not over but...yeah, your season's over. They're NOT FOR REAL.
There are some REAL teams out there, though. I've crunched the numbers, and I know with absolute certainty which teams in the Fantasy League are made up of the right stuff. This process was incredibly rigorous and scientific, and were made without any semblance of bias, whatsoever.
Let's get into the results...
Not So Better Business Burrow (118.5) defeats Chuba The Hut (74.5)
In basically the opposite fashion as the real life Cincinnati Bengals, the Not So Better Business Burrow actually showed up in their first game of the post-Toe Burrow era. 32.0 points from the Vikings defense will definitely get the job done. On the opposite end of the Vikings-Bengals spectrum was Chuba The Hut, who may have gotten a little homer-ish going with Jake Browning.
The Not So Better Business Burrow appears to be FOR REAL. How else can you explain the way his team rose to the occasion following their leader's tragic toe mutilation? Destiny looks like Daniel Jones.
Chuba The Hut, though...I think we all know: NOT FOR REAL. When starting Jake Browning seems like a viable option, you are in deep shit. Not to mention Brock Bowers has disappeared off the face of the Earth. It feels like a half-Chub kinda year.
CD brkn Lambstring (81.0) defeats Bo Mamba (80.5)
So, remember how this was the Week of the Blowout? One game didn't get the memo.
Lambstring clearly made a huge bet on the Lions on Monday night, and he won the fucking Powerball. David Montgomery, how are we doin? 12.0 from Jared Goff and 5.0 from Sam LaPorta and Jameson Williams each isn't exactly lighting up the box score, but it was enough to offset the 0.0-burger from CeeDee Lamb.
But, come on, Lambstring is NOT FOR REAL. No team with that many Lions players can be for real. Real life just doesn't work like that.
Bo Mamba is also NOT FOR REAL, because any team that buys into the perpetual Jordan Love breakout cannot be for real.
Seanquiftadors (114.5) defeats All Dat Ashton In Dem Jeantys (91.5)
Can you imagine if the Seanquiftadors got to have the first waiver-wire position every week? What a week for the rookie, who takes home the weekly top-scorer award for the first time this year. 29.0 points from Jalen Hurts, 30.5 from Jonathan Taylor, 20.0 more from Courtland Sutton...that's called firing on all cylinders. Pay no mind to the 3.0 points from Chase Brown, that'll buff out – probably.
Dem Jeantys, meanwhile, continue to struggle to find their footing this season, and for that reason, they are NOT FOR REAL. Ashton Jeanty isn't doing much, Mike Evans is going to miss some time, and for as great as Josh Allen is, he can't do it all on his own (like every time he's faced the Chiefs in the playoffs). Dem Jeantys want you to think they've got a fat ass, but in reality, they're thin and top-heavy.
The Seanquiftadors, though, are obviously FOR REAL. We all know how this works. He's a rookie. He's basically guaranteed to get one of the top seeds. And Jonathan Taylor is probably going to be Fantasy MVP. We should give him the top waiver wire position every week too. Before anyone puts in a waiver claim, run it past the Seanquiftadors first.
Uncle Waldo (86.5) defeats Team Larison (69.5)
The first Brother Bowl of the season goes to Uncle Waldo, who finally, finally (finally) got A.J. Brown involved. That's a tremendous sign, because Justin Herbert looks like an MVP candidate and James Cooks continues to deliver. Ja'Marr Chase might not be in-line for another Triple Crown season without Burrow around, but he's not going to put up bullshit 0.0-point weeks like CeeDee Lamb.
That's why Uncle Waldo is FOR REAL. He even has the eventuality of TreVeyon Henderson taking over for Rhamondre Stevenson to look forward to. Team Larison, on the other hand...
Do I need to say it? NOT FOR REAL. Mahomes running for gutsy first downs looks cool on TV but they're pretty much useless in Fantasy. Saquon Barkley is having the regression season everyone feared. Tee Higgins has fallen off the face of the map. Team Larison is having the season from hell. They're basically the Houston Texans.
Won't You Be My Naber? (99.5) defeats Spiders Under My Bed (98.0)
Okay, so two teams didn't get the memo about Blowout Week. Our new Naber is making himself right at home in the Fantasy League, as is tradition for rookies. They're definitely FOR REAL. They'll be facing the Seanquiftadors in the Championship Game more than likely.
The real story is the Spiders. Don't kid yourself, they are FOR REAL. They've kept an inactive kicker in their starting lineup since Day One and are only 1 - 2 on the year with both of their losses coming by a combined 13 points. They should terrify you. They're the sleeping giant. For the love of God, do not wake him – for everyone's sake.
Stop Trying to Make Bech Happen (129.5) defeats Team Kaz (96.5)
One of the more modest "blowouts" of the weekend, Bech made it happen with consistency across the board. Lamar Jackson did his thing, Nico Collins finally did his thing, and Jordan Mason filled in for Aaron Jones and did his thing. Textbook.
Team Kaz could have beaten half the teams in the league with their performance, but they needed a little more to avoid the 0 - 3 start. Drake Maye should change his name to Drake Maybe This Pass Will Be On Target. I could see Team Kaz making a run toward the end of the season as they finally get their act together, but by then it will be too little too late. They're basically the Miami Dolphins. They're NOT FOR REAL.
Bech is also NOT FOR REAL. That 2 - 1 record is as thin as their roster. The bench is barren. Travis Hunter was a complete waste of a pick. Jack Bech has already been sent packing (but no, the name is not changing). Bech is not happening this year.
And those are the results for Week Three! Good luck next week, everyone, and don't forget to let the Seanquiftadors know who you want to pick up on the waiver-wire!